The Obligatory New Year's Blog Entry

Everyone seems to do a New Year's blog entry. I hadn't thought specifically about it, but today I felt like writing, so here's mine.

Overall, 2011 wasn't the best year for me. Without going into details, I'll just say that I suffered some setbacks emotionally, spiritually, physically, and financially. The end of the year found me battling depression and anxiety, lacking in confidence and at a loss as to what to do next. I had one definite plan for a relocation in the spring of the new year, but even that was fraught with anxiety. I knew what I was going to do, but the how had me running in circles. That wasn't like me at all; the confidence in my own ability to handle any situation that arose had evaporated. That fed my depression and anxiety, leading into a downward spiral.

I was like an old vinyl record with a flaw in one of the grooves. You know how the needle would sometimes get stuck in a spot, just repeating the same rotation over and over...vvvt-bp, vvvt-bp, vvvt-bp...until you gave it a little nudge? That was me. I kept going over and over the same questions, thinking about the same obstacles, not liking any of the answers, and not advancing.

Finally, in the last week of the year, I gave up. I chose one of the answers, decided it would just have to be that way, and allowed myself to feel the resulting sadness. Next day I visited with an "out-of-the-box-thinking" friend who listened to my concerns and suggested various solutions. As I resisted every suggestion, I realized that my lack of confidence had resulted in a need to control every aspect of my situation, which led to anxiety and a lack of adaptability...which fed the lack of confidence.

It didn't happen right away -- just like if you were engrossed in something, you didn't recognize right away that your vinyl record was stuck -- but that realization was like the nudge I needed to unstick my needle. Over the next day or so, I found myself letting go of my need for the "perfect" solution and remembering that whatever happened, I'd handle it. The trick was to make a decision, to nudge that needle out of the flawed groove by doing something.

So I am starting the new year in a better frame of mind. I still have a long way to go to recover the inner peace I enjoyed a year ago, but I know if I just keep going in circles, I'll never hear the end of the song. All I have to do is put my needle in the groove and play one track at a time...and if it gets stuck, give it a nudge.

Photo: Thomas